How to Save a Marriage

You can't expect any type of result only by pursuing a better
relationship occasionally.  I'm not going to kid you.  Repairing a
marriage takes some time.  It also requires consistency on your
part.

Think back to how long you've been married.  The issues currently
plaguing your relationship didn't start overnight.  Don't expect
them to be resolved in one swift motion.  It takes, without a
doubt, some dedication -- and time.

There will times, no doubt, that you'll be tempted to quit.  But
don't.  Instead of giving in to the feeling of hopelessness, gather
your strength.  Take stock of any positive feedback you've
discovered.  List all the ways your marriage is getting better.

I'd like to share this bit of research with you.  It comes from
noted marriage researcher John M. Gottman, Ph.D.  His research
indicates that the most successful couples are not necessarily
those who quickly overhauled their marriage.

He did follow-up studies with couples who had been through his
counseling sessions.  He specifically wanted to know what made one
union last and the other didn't.  His results came as quite a
surprise to him.

Those couples whose marriage improved, spent only an average of
five hours a week on the topic. Less than one hour ever day, seven
days a week. Imagine that!

What were they doing?  For the most part, all these couples shared
several concerted actions.

And the first one is what I call the "Morning Goodbye Ritual."
Before either of them left for work that day, they deliberately
took the time to discover at least one event in the other's day.  A
big meeting with the boss?  A doctor's appointment?  Or something
as simple as a shared cappuccino with an old friend.

One couple I know deliberately rises a little earlier in the
morning to be able to talk while the children are still in bed.
Neither is concerned with the kids running around at this time of
the morning.  It keeps them connected.

They use the time not only to discover what's going on in the
other's "world" as it were, but they also discuss all the world's
political and economic problems during this time.  It made them
feel more like adults and less like only parents!

Marriage Saving Discussions 2

I'm not talking about expecting specific details in your marriage
to go perfectly smoothly all the time.  Let's face it, not one of
us remembers to take the garbage out every day.  And not one of us
can be expected to put the cap on the toothpaste every time we use
it.

So, those really aren't the types of expectations we're talking
about here.  Instead I'm asking you to see your partner in general
terms as a loving partner -- to view your relationship as running
smoothly.

And maybe even play some "mind movies" in your head of how you'd
like to see an ideal day between the two of you play out.

Now this may seem like idle daydreaming, but recent research shows
that those individuals who have high expectations of their marriage
often do, indeed, experience the most satisfying, loving
relationships.

Independent research, conducted by John Gottman, confirms the flip
side of this coin as well.  He discovered that those individuals
who adjusted to dealing with high levels of negativity -- including
irritability or emotional distance -- in their union were less
satisfied years down the road.

Those who refused to tolerate the negative behavior but gently
confronted each other when such actions crept into their habits
ended up happy and satisfied as the years continued.

Similarly, spouses who monitored their marriages to ensure that
quality remained high, were often more satisfied in the long run.
Just like the couples we talked about in the last lesson, who spent
a mere 5 hours a week mindfully keeping in touch with each other's
lives, a regular "expectation" check up is healthy.

Don't allow your view of marriage to slide using some worn out
cliché like, "That's bound to happen when you've been married as
long as we have."  That's just an excuse to accept less than a
loving, happy relationship.

Change your view.  Change your marriage.  The research implies that
those individuals who started out expecting a certain level of
satisfaction received it and kept monitoring it to ensure it was
always part of their marriage.  It's really never too late to
change your view.

Marriage Saving Discussions

Arguing. Negativity. Contempt for each other.  These characterize
many marriages.  When you look at a couple with relationship
problems displaying all of these traits or more, you wonder what
brought them together in the first place.

However, if a couple can still look back and talk fondly about how
they met and dated, marriage researcher John Gottman explains, then
the union has a chance of surviving -- actually a very good chance.

His research indicates overwhelmingly (94 percent of all the time)
that couples who talk positively about when they first met are
likely to reconcile their differences.  Their marriage not only
survives, but thrives!

How do you and your spouse view the early days of your
relationship?  Can you recall each other in a more positive light?

Give it a try.  Begin by reminiscing about your dating days.  If
you can recreate the excitement, anticipation and love of those
early days in your relationship, that's encouraging.

Actually, it's more than encouraging.  It's therapeutic as well as
the springboard to restoring your marriage.

Having this fundamentally positive view of your past is a powerful
buffer, Gottman explains, when tough times hit.  It's like having
reserve of feelings to fall back on during marital stress.

Many couples don't realize the fragility of these early feelings.
After continued arguments, feelings of contempt and mistrust and
negative comments about each other, it's all too easy to lose touch
with the spark that started it all.

And that's exactly where the "looking backward" part of this secret
comes in.  Positive feelings can always be recounted and
remembered, regardless of the length of time they've been tucked
away.

Don't be afraid to talk about the early days of your relationship
with your spouse.  The exchange will do you both good.